December 19, 2019
I really cannot believe today is the 19th. And my Birthday (OMGOSH). And the last day in my “12 Reasons Why ‘19’ Has My Heart” series. It is so crazy how fast time goes. I say it a lot BUT, as I get older, it just seems that the days, weeks, months, and years just fly.
Please time, STOP or, at least, slow down!
This has been quite the year for me, and I cannot help but think it has been a huge stepping-stone in my quest for figuring out what I want in life.
Emotionally, I have experienced the ups and downs of the heart strings being pulled. Knowing what I want, what my heart and gut wants, and also knowing that I am holding on to something that may never be too. These emotions have felt so completely different than what years past have been.
As I get older, and a little wiser, I am recognizing more and more of what I stand for, what I expect, and the standards I uphold. No more letting people take advantage of my kindness – it is not a weakness – or making me feel that I am being strung along, only to lead to disappointment, frustration, and heartache. It has taken me to this day, December 19th, 2019 to fully understand it and, trust me, I am still not doing a fabulous job either, but working through it.
Financially speaking, this has been the worst year I have had in, MOST, of my professional career. Seriously, even going through a (divorce) financial hardship, I was never in this situation. Yes, choices have been made and, yes, money is being directed in other arenas BUT, at the end of the day, you want to feel that you are being compensated for the hard work that you are putting in, and grinding out, every single day.
Yes, I get to go to nice places, and, yes, I get to showcase some of the finer things in life but it is material and, if I am being completely honest, they are not as enjoyable when you know you cannot really afford it. Behind the pictures there is an on-going pit in my stomach of credit card bills, how am I going to pay my bills, etc., etc. Again, choices, and I pray every single day that a big break will happen for me, and these worries and sleepless nights will start to dissipate. Until then, I will continue to plug away at what I believe is my passion and calling and hope to God it pays off in the end!
You know what? If it didn’t believe in my heart that this would be the case, I would have changed course a long time ago.
Professionally, I have taken some big strides in getting my name out there, my FACE out there, and working my way up the social media ladder. And, people, IT IS FUCKING HARD. The market is saturated with influencers, bloggers, public figures, etc. It has been a lesson in trying to figure out the best course, and how to set myself apart in the industry. Did I mention it is FUCKING HARD?
Finally, my personal life. THAT has been a ride too and filled with laughs, cries, messiness, complication, and life lessons. Those who have come into my life this year have made me recognize what I want, what I need, and what I cannot handle too. And I am, truly, thankful for it. The dating game at this age, and in this day, is SO DIFFERENT than it used to be and it is a hard course to navigate.
Dating, just like my line of work, is all about putting yourself out there. Continuing to “push publish.” Yikes, scary shit but, in the end, it makes you stronger, better, and even more sure of what you want.
Thank you so much for following me along over these past 12 months. 2019 has been a different year than what I had anticipated, or even what I had expected, but I think that is what makes life so awesome. It is that constant guessing game. That feeling of the unexpected and what could be. And, that is all I can ask for at this stage of the game.
So, on my birthday, and almost the culmination of 2019, I wish for nothing less than being happy, content, and feeling secure.
Here’s to you 34…oh man, how did I get to be that age?
P.S. In case you have missed them, here are the past "12 Reasons Why "19" Has My Heart" posts:
Seasons of Love
2 Health Nuts
'Tis The Season
Cheese & Charcuterie