July 31, 2019
And this is, definitely, NOT the wine talking, nor is it the Veuve Champagne that I have been consuming, nor the sun for that matter.
Here I am, in one of my favorite places, among the sun, palm trees, and so much more, and I, still, find myself in a total FUNK. This is one of the reasons I booked coming out here last minute. Beyond the financial piece of needing to stay in Baltimore for a bit, I had to get out of Baltimore to rest, recharge, and just figure out my next step. My personal, and professional, life is in a complete disarray right now. Geez, it has felt this way for so freaking long now too. Nothing seems stable. I feel like I am on autopilot, and I feel like I am settling.
And I HATE that feeling (and I don't like using that word either). I have even been asked the very question of "why do you let 'xyz' person treat you that way" or "what can you do to make a change in your life that will be for the better." Frankly, I am not sure why. Maybe it is because I am a people pleaser, or because I don't want to be viewed a certain way. Honestly, if I look at the bigger picture, if I spoke up more, and let people know how I feel, and even took more of a stand for what I want, maybe my needs would be met. Really, how would it make things any different than they are right now? Maybe I would not feel like I am spinning my wheels. Maybe I would start to not feel so rigid, and get a little more BALLSY.
Who doesn't want to be a little more ballsy in life? Who doesn't want to feel a little more in control? A little more stable sort of speak?
I woke up this morning with a new attitude, and a little more drive to go after what I want. Yesterday came with some (minor) business setbacks, and a feeling of "What the fuck is going on? Am I ever going to get a break?" I can keep wallowing in these "things" that happen, and they can keep preventing me from doing what I want, but I cannot let them get in my way of happiness.
A happiness that I yearn for everyday, and a happiness that I deserve. A feeling of being content and stable.
So, as I hope and pray for that everyday, I remember that what I am doing right now is what is shaping me for down the road. The good, the bad, the ugly, and everything in between. Just like my relationship last year taught me that I don't want a man who focuses, solely, on money, getting to the top, and, in turn, being extremely selfish, I know that, from a professional (and personal) standpoint, I want to be successful, held to the highest integrity, and be respected for who I am.
And, in order to show people this, it may mean getting a little ballsy...and I am ready to jump right in. Just as my edginess is showing through in my recent photo shoots/posts, my personality may be doing the same. Because, just as the gentleman who sat next to me at the bar yesterday said, "you just never know who you may be sitting next too." I mean, he was only BFF's with Tom Hanks, and runs a successful social media/marketing company. Just saying...
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