January 4, 2019
I am going to start calling it "January Gloom" here in Baltimore. Seriously, I think the past 5 days have either been overcast or rainy. I don't even want to look at the forecast - first, because it never seems to be right and, second, because I just don't want to see cloud coverage "covering" the newscast screen. Hence why I decided to showcase that ridiculous selfie of me in my robe, with my cell phone (LOL), as a reminder of the gorgeous weather in Santa Monica, to the one of me here, in Baltimore, bundled up with my "when is it going to be nice weather again" face.
Honestly, I did not even know what the appropriate picture for this post even looked like, so, I went with my gut!
Maybe this is why I have just been in a total funk. I know, I do have a lot of exciting things coming down the pike but, for this moment in time, I just feel blah. And, as much as I have not wanted to admit it (honestly, my Mom, Dad and Sister are the 3 who know it the most), I cannot seem to get over the (ended) relationship I was just in.
Spoiler Alert: This is scary as fuck for me to even write about but I am, hoping, it will help me in my process, and shed some additional light on this whole "situation."
I have been a mess.
A put together mess, of course, that does not show it on the outside, and will talk about it on the regular, but who lays in bed with tears in her eyes as to "I wonder if all of this is me." I know it is not "all me" but I feel like it's hard NOT to think that way at times too.
The same one who is pulling out the self-help books, including "He's Just NOT That Into You" (although, more comical and wtf moments than anything), in the quest to figure out "why it had to be this way."
Ah, speaking of that phrase, I ran into a former client at the gym yesterday who recommended that I read the book "It's Not Supposed to Be This Way: Finding Unexpected Strength When Disappointments Shatter You." This is a MUST order for me, and one that can be on your book shelf ASAP! Apparently, it is super hard to get a copy, hence when Amazon told me it should arrive by the beginning of February, but you can snag a copy HERE. And if you have read, I would LOVE to know your thoughts & insights.
This post is not meant to bash (definitely, not my style), or beg "said individual" to give it another chance (although I am a believer that no door is ever closed for good), or even make me look like a victim. I think what I am trying to work through is the fact there were feelings there, strong feelings. Obviously, they were not communicated well enough and/or were not being cared enough to understand fully. We were two individuals, who were very similar in a lot of ways, and, a lot of (sexual) tension that needed a breakthrough.
A breakthrough that was never given a chance, and I will, firmly, stand by that.
I will be the, first, to admit that I am not perfect. No one is perfect, nor are any relationships PERFECT. I have tried to go against the "there is no such thing as perfect" rules, and that did nothing but fucking backfire on me MANY TIMES. I mean, right down to my diet and exercise.
EJECT. MOVING ON.
It is how you work through them, together, not just one person, that makes each relationship individual and personal. It is about communication and vulnerability with one another, and it is okay if you both suck at it. I know I suck at it; come on, it has been 4 years since my marriage ended, and it wasn't until last year that I felt strong enough to even THINK about getting involved with another man again.
What's not okay, though, is hitting said "EJECT" button the moment things get tough, out of thin air, with nothing more than a "I don't know how we can get back on track" or "what are we doing here?" Because one thing I did learn, and many other things over our 6 month courtship - you don't have to be perfect in order for me to like you (or even love you), and, on the flip side, I don't want to feel that I have to walk on eggshells to be perfect, or do everything that you want to do, in order for you to like me.
Doing our best, and making each other a priority, through the good, bad, and struggles, is all I wanted at the end of the day. It is about balance and compromise; figuring out what makes each other happy, and also what makes each other tick.
Since my divorce, I have had a very hard time jumping back into the dating pool. After your significant other betrays your trust, it is really hard to want to trust again...and be vulnerable for that matter. For some, it is easier than others but, for me, it was a loss like I had never experienced before. It was a pain and a hurt that I never wanted to feel again. Combine the betrayal, with having a rough time being super vulnerable and, yes, I had a few years of just doing my thing.
And I still wonder if that would have been better than the pain I feel today.
I know I am being a little drastic - of course I want to be in a relationship again - but I need it to be a healthy one. Speaking of "healthy-" I think I was healthier when I was IN a relationship. The last 6 weeks have come with terrible sleep, being sick to my stomach most days, breaking out in hives, barely eating, not really working out, and just feeling ick. It is the same feeling I had all those years ago when my ex-husband walked out the door and just never came home.
I cannot help that I wear my emotions on my sleeve; when I am upset, you know it, when I am hurt, you know it too, and when I am happy, and my needs are being met, of course that is an absolute known.
You know it because you have gotten to know me.
I need to learn to speak my mind more; I cannot "assume" that it is going to be known.
I am a people pleaser, and ridiculously generous to a fault, and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I admit, I feed off others emotions.
When I want things to go a certain way, and then they don't, I shut down. What happens though, my feelings get hurt. I get told things like "I am baffling" or I "cause anxiety." Those are extremely hurtful words, especially when they are being followed up with "you are so generous, you have so much to give, you are so pretty, etc."
That baffles me!
And while those very words have circled in my mind for the last 6 weeks, I also look at it from the other side too. I know LOVE can cause someone to be baffled, and have anxiety, even if they don't want to admit it.
It is MUCH easier to put blame on someone else so you don't have to feel "certain feelings" because it scares you shitless, or it makes you "feel better" if you are putting someone else down.
Who cares if you are scared, share it! So you find your significant other to be "unpredictable;" is that really a bad thing? Just because you are so used to being able to figure someone out in the first 5 minutes, does that mean you hit the EJECT button because of the unpredictability of this new relationship? Too much of a flight risk? Uncertainty of work ethic, or where they are going in life?
One thing I can say - I am not predictable 100% of the time, but who is? The trajectory that I am on with where I want to be, personally, and where I want to go, professionally, is, in my opinion, "off the charts." Literally, there are spreadsheets - yes, I have become more of a spreadsheet fan - calendars, books being read, aligning myself with individuals and companies who are going to take me to the next level, and so much more.
So, you may be asking, WHY are you still so hung up on a relationship of 6 months that did not seem like a great fit?
Great question and here is how I would answer:
I miss the friendship, the companionship, the "hey, how are you" during the day when I am staring at my lonely computer screen, or "what is for dinner tonight," or "omgosh, today has been the longest day ever."
Now, all communication has been cut off.
And it just sucks.
And, while I don't think there is any right or wrong, what I feel I/we may have done backwards is to just DATE before getting into a relationship. We were long distance to begin with and, maybe, if that initial pressure was off, things would have worked out differently. We may have gotten to know each other on a very different level. Plus, while it's not fair to pit what was happening in my life with why things didn't work out, I think the craziness of my Sister getting married - parties, spending, parties, spending - and the fact that I was taking on a new business venture, with that "unknown," can be scary (and maybe even a turn off). I don't know, nor am I making any excuses, but these are what I think about.
The first 2-3 months went FAST, really fast, and I think there was a lot that was glazed over. Maybe these so called "things" would have been a little clearer, and would not come with all of this pain and hurt I feel now, if we had taken a step back early on. Again, "could have, should have, would have."
Maybe we could have walked away as friends; maybe two people who could call on each other when we just needed to talk, or when we needed an escort to an event, or just wanted the "one night of fun" because, you know, life is too short! ;)
This is why I am sad. This is why the pain and hurt have set in. I feel like I lost a good friend, including a great family too, and one I was excited to get to know even more! As I said before, it just sucks. Maybe I get attached too quick but I also know that I felt something deeper than just a "I really like you."
Thank you for giving me this space to open up about what has been going on underneath the "Hey, I am cool, it is the Christmas season."
And, if you are reading this - and by "you," you know who I am talking to - just know I miss you. There have been many days where I have gone to send you a text and I get scared of the rejection. Maybe I should take my own advice...
P.S. In the words from an excerpt of "He's Just Not That Into You-" Always be classy. Never be crazy. But don't be afraid to share how you feel or were made to feel. Mine were said too late, and fueled by a lot of emotion, pain, and hurt. I guess this is a live and learn, right?