August 1, 2019
When did it become August 1st so fast?!?! Honestly, I remember this time so vividly last year as it was 10 days away from my sister getting married...and it has, almost, been 1 year.
And, tomorrow, my sister, her husband, and their adorable French bulldog, embark on their next adventure - moving to Denver. Let me come back to that.
My current status includes sitting at my gorgeous resort, typing amongst the stars, the cool air, and with a martini in hand. The place is bustling, and I am so glad I got a 2nd wind after an amazing day working with one of the most fabulous, and talented, photographers in the industry, Violeta Meyners of Violetartistry. While it is hard to believe that it was an 8 hour day, it went so unbelievably fast, and I feel that we covered so much. Beyond Vio being such a wonderful photographer, she has become a fantastic friend over the past 2 years, and it was nice to catch up after not having seen her since last September when she came to Baltimore.
I love coming out to Cali and checking out all of the neighborhoods that I am not terribly familiar with. Yes, Santa Monica, Venice, Beverly Hills, Brentwood, and Malibu I know pretty well - even a little Marina Del Ray - but my scope outside of that is pretty limited. Even downtown Los Angeles, and all of Hollywood, are still a little confusing (and overwhelming). I guess I just need to go there more!
Today's photos were taken in the beautiful town of Westlake Village. OMG it is insanely gorgeous, and the town is surrounded by this beautiful lake that just makes it picturesque. And, if you are a "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" fan, Westlake Village Inn (where some of my photos took place) is where some of the reality TV's footage was taped. Hard to believe, I am not a fan, but I am going to take everyone's word for it (and I may have googled too). Here are a few pictures of today's backdrops, as well a view from our late lunch/early dinner that showcases just how beautiful the lake really is, and how the sushi was f-ing delicious too. It's hard being a model, LOL.
Back to what I had mentioned earlier about my sister and my brother-in-law moving to Denver. As you know, it has been an emotional roller coaster for me these past few months and this is one of those "things" that has been part of it too. My sister and I never got to say goodbye face to face; we did so over the phone. As I cried, I told her that I loved her, wished her the best, and apologized for not being the sister that she deserves.
As I said "I am going through my own shit, and I am so sorry for not being a better sister." Honestly, I am sorry for not being a better person.
It was this time last year that I sat at the Beverly Hills Hotel, with tears in my eyes, as I started writing my "Matron of Honor" speech. Here was my baby sister, getting married, and I wondered how I could have been better. With there being a 7 year age difference, we went through different phases of our life, with and without each other (you know what I mean - I was a freshman in high school when she was in 2nd grade), through good times and bad (divorce really sucks and I never acknowledged the toll it took on her too), and it made my heart heavy.
That same heavy heart is what I carry tonight. I am trying to keep it together but the tears keep rolling down my face. I wish I was a better sister. Yes, I know I do "a lot" but, at the end of the day, I don't feel it's enough. How do I change that? How do I get better at relationships? Geez, if I have a hard time with my sister, then what does that say about another possible boyfriend/husband?
And, that brings me to my next point. Yes, I want to be in a relationship again but I don't know what that looks like for me right now. Sure, I don't want the door to be closed on the possibility of having kids but it may not be in my cards/future. Love, connection, and chemistry is what I yearn for, and my eyes are wide open this time around. Building a "2nd life," with or without children, is something that I think about a lot at this point in my journey. I know, I am "young," but being realistic is something I am very aware of too. I have to figure out how to navigate this whole relationship/dating thing too. Ugh, it's fucking tough.
There are a lot of decisions that I have to make in my life right now. I have to stand up for what I want, what I deserve, and what is going to make me happy. My Mom and I have had many discussions before I left for Santa Monica about my happiness. Some included tears and some included pounding the pavement in the freaking heat. She told me to really think about making the move out here, even if just for a year. She has seen what the last few months have done to me, physically and emotionally, and she knows how much I thrive in this environment. It may not be easy, financially, but my happiness is what comes first and foremost, and I know that more than ever.
The rest is still unwritten, and I am not sure my next move. Maybe someone will keep my heart in Baltimore, and give me a little hope for the future, or maybe business and life will pull me in a "new" direction. Until then, I will keep doing my thing, and remembering that what is #fit4janine is the only thing that matters! And maybe I will just keep traveling. Keep educating myself. Keep rebuilding and making me more well-rounded.
Making me a better person.
Thank you for staying the course with me, and being YOU!