June 24, 2019
Okay, I think I have been in a "hungover" state for the last few days, and it definitely hit home after this past weekend. Ahh, I feel like I have really been lacking on my blogging as of late, so my sincerest apologies.
My current state includes a big ass cup of coffee, wet hair, a fresh face, and trying to get rid of this nasty headache, not fall asleep, and get productive about what needs to be done this week. I mean, staring at the "to-do" list is only going to get me so far. Luckily I have Fitz and the Tantrums to keep me motivated/energized. Three Six Mafia & Cardi B just seemed a little too aggressive this morning.
While not only coming off a BIG weekend, last week, I also was out a few nights (way past my usual bedtime), and my days were filled with early mornings and the usual "go, go, go." Needless to say, if my sleep has sucked before, it is even worse off than ever before. On Saturday and Sunday, I had a huge photoshoot in Baltimore which required EARLY morning hair and makeup, various outfit changes, and needing to be ON. Yes it's FUN but it is, also, exhausting. I was in bed by 7:30 pm-ish on Saturday night. Please, do not be jealous. I mean, I could barely keep my eyes open. There comes a point where you just have to give in...regardless of what time it may be and that most people my age (and older) are just getting their evening started.
Going back to the photoshoot; if you don't already know this about me, you are going to find out right now. I love (okay, more on the really like) getting my picture taken BUT I am so f-ing critical of myself it is not even funny. I swear, what I see in the mirror in a said outfit does not look the same once photographed. And, yes, I know the camera adds "10 lbs." Additionally, I have been holding off on getting content pictures taken because, as I have made mention, I am have been going through various hormonal issues - specifically, my thyroid - that has my weight all over the place. Not to mention, retaining water like crazy, and I have not felt comfortable in my own skin. Believe me, this whole critiquing of myself is nothing new but it does not help when you do not feel like yourself.
I have tried giving myself a pep talk; I have tried to not look with a critical eye. I think it comes down to what/how I want to be perceived. Now, I know I have done some edgy pics as of late - this is not what I mean. As I evolve, and get older, I need to recognize and accept where I am right now.
Am I feeling like myself? NO, not at all.
Do I feel that I don't look as good as I want? Although it's only my opinion, yes, but I think it goes back to the question I just stated.
Does it really matter what people think? It really doesn't, and I have to keep telling myself that. I told myself that last week when I was met with "what are you doing/trying to sell in those pictures." The same is going for today, and when the final product of pictures are sent...and every day after that.
We all have our things and, right now, I am trying to navigate this as best I can. Putting yourself out there on social media is going to come with commentary. It is the nature of the beast. At the end of the day, it's about being passionate about what you are doing, and what your brand is promoting to the world.
Most people are not going to be paying attention to the cellulite on your legs, how "big" your upper body looks because you lift weights, or "wow, that boxy shirt makes her look HUGE." Yup, these are all the things that were coming to my mind when looking at some of the pics that were taken.
At the end of the day, being a "model" is more than just the appearance. It is about loving yourself, understanding the ebbs and flows, and showing your audience that you are human, you go through shit too, and it is not all glitz, glam, and filtered photos.
Here's to Monday; a new day, a new week, and a new understand of who you are, what you want in life, and just loving your damn self because you are pretty fucking amazing. And here are a few behind the scenes pictures from this past weekend. Enjoy!
P.S. While I will be giving much needed credit in future posts, here is who helped get me looking fabulous this weekend! And these "behind the scenes" pictures were courtesy of my business partner who had to put up with my "omgosh, I look horrible. What brand is ever going to want to work with me?" Yes, I know...I so went there!
Photography: Elyrose Photography
Hair & Makeup (Saturday): Brushed Beauty, LLC
Hair & Makeup (Sunday): Ariel Lewis, LLC