April 21, 2020
Happy Tuesday to you! Well, it started out as a sunny day. Now it is overcast and, rumor has it, rain & storms are supposed to hit by lunch. Ick. Ugh. There is something about it being sunny out that changes all perspective...and MOODS. Oh well, nothing we can do, right?
I have made mention MANY times over these last few weeks that, although I am busier than usual (or all the screen time makes it feel that way) there is a lot of time to THINK. And, yesterday, this came to me out of the blue - "wow, I have been single for 5 years." I know, random, BUT I reflected on this a bit and thought I should write about it too. While I have worked on being more vulnerable, it is, STILL, really fucking hard. For some, it comes naturally; I would venture to say, though, that is only a small percentage of individuals. Hey, I have been wrong before but something tells me I am not the only one that falls into this category.
Back to being single since 2015. Hmm, good book title? LOL.
When my ex husband and I, initially, separated, my world was torn apart. I know, I know, I am not going to harp on THIS but it has been a BIG part of my process. The process of never letting a man treat me the way I was treated by him EVER AGAIN. And this is one of the reasons I have stayed single for so long.
Love is blind. The rose colored glasses are real. I thought I was a good judge of character. In my heart, I know he loved me with the same love I had for him.
It was real and everyone who knew us as a couple thought we were "perfect" together.
But something changed, and I could feel that in my heart and gut.
And I ignored it. I told myself that it was my imagination.
As the distancing started, and the “staying at work until stupid hours at night” was becoming a daily thing, that voice in my gut was speaking louder and louder. While I tried to "fix" whatever was happening, I was made to feel like a terrible person in the process. Communication was short, the tone and manner in which I was spoken to/was texted was authoritative and abusive, and, frankly, I did no know what to do anymore. Even counseling was short lived.
I couldn't see that he wanted out; all I kept thinking was we could get through this. You know "in good times and in bad."
I couldn't see that, every day, he was slowly taking stuff out of the house. "Where are you going with those clothes?" Oh, taking them to the dry cleaners.
Little did I know (or really wanted to believe), I wasn't the only person in his life. And, sending him a text to ask when he was coming home one night, and getting the response back that he was not coming back, EVER, well, that hits a nerve that, to this day, has not fully healed.
Some are under the philosophy that getting into another relationship is one of the best things you can do. For me, not so much. I was out of the dating world for a good 3 years post/separation & divorce. People, TRUST is HUGE and that was, totally, violated. I am, slowly, regaining but it is a wall that I have a hard time breaking down. Someone can, absolutely, trust me BUT it can be hard for me in return.
Recently, in the news, there was a segment on dating during the pandemic and how it is one of the best times for singles. Go figure. The biggest reason why? Sex is off the table. More talking & getting to know the person. I guess it makes sense, although, I will tell you, this next go around - if I get married again - I am not settling. No, I did not settle before but life is so different for me now. Now, more than ever, I know what I want - personally and professionally.
And for the record, there is no dating happening right now. That has gone quiet over the past couple months.
Gone are the days of being taken for granted.
Gone are the days of feeling like I am not good enough, will never be able to have what I want, or just being downright taken advantage of too.
Right now, I just want to have fun. I am not dating because "OMG, I want to get married tomorrow" or I should be getting serious because I should have having babies right now. As I mentioned before, these things may not happen and, you know what, I need to let the chips fall they way they are supposed to fall.
And, whatever happens, I am going to be okay.
So, for now, let me reiterate. It is about HAVING FUN. Because, gentlemen, if you are reading this post (btw, I am impressed) I have a wardrobe full of really cute Spring clothes that will be looking to be worn at Happy Hour when the dust settles. Ha! :)
Like I have all of these guys knocking down my door. Now, THAT, is hilarious!
Cheers to a great week!
Seasons of Love
2 Health Nuts
'Tis The Season
Cheese & Charcuterie