November 12, 2018
Happy Monday Loves…and this one coming to you from 30,000 feet. Yes, this months travel has begun, and, I admit, it could not be coming at a more perfect time. I guess you will have to stay tuned, especially on Instagram, to see where I am headed for a few days of work but, more importantly, gaining a little perspective, clarity, and working on me.
I have struggled with the words for this post. In fact, I have dosed on and off in my seat as I fight the “I barely slept last night exhaustion.” It’s not that I don’t know what to say, or what I want to share, but it’s emotional. I have been sad. I have cried. And now, I feel like I am in a place of “now what?”
Another “new beginning?” Another “next chapter?” Dare I say, keep “trusting the process?”
While I do know what I want to say and share, I am going to be guarded with my specifics. There still needs to be some level of privacy in my personal life. You may or may not be able to pick up on what I am referencing; regardless, I want to let you in about my journey up until this point.
Vulnerability is something I have struggled with all of my life, and have spent the last 4 years in therapy working on this. Last week, I did one of the most vulnerable things I have ever done, and I did so without one ounce of regret.
We can all say that we have been dealt a “bad hand” in life, or “woah is me; the world seems against me with everything I do.” Sure, some people’s struggles are way more in-depth than others (trust me, you may read this and feel that mine pale in comparison) but, at the end of the day, it’s how we work through it, and get to the other side, that make us stronger. It is absolutely shitty going through “it,” but you WORK ON IT.
You don’t give up and I, certainly, was not raised this way.
You believe in yourself and what you have to offer.
(Almost) four years ago, my life was thrown a curve ball. Not only was I in the midst of starting a new business but my marriage was ending. Although not my choice – in hindsight, if I only knew what I know, now, it would have been my choice – I was left in a bit of a mess. I was left to feel that this was all my fault.
And I took that mentality on; stupidly, I know.
The very mess I still feel like I am cleaning up; yes, financial being one but, more importantly, my ability to trust, open my heart to falling in love again, and being vulnerable enough to let that so-called “wall” down. The very wall that keeps going up as a way to protect myself from not getting hurt again.
Unfortunately, this wound has re-opened
I am so sad…and so upset…and so hurt.
While there is no such thing as a “perfect person,” those who understand what they have done wrong and try to make it right are “perfect.” They don’t give up. They fight to the end.
Let me reiterate – there is no such thing as a “perfect person” or “perfection” in general. Trying to attain it will make you flipping crazy because it is not real. It’s imaginary.
I have never asked for a “perfect” relationship; I tried to make things look “perfect” when I was married and, boy, that did not get me very far. I learned from that mistake, and I also learned that “working late” most nights of the week, was not really “working late.”
I am not a quitter, I am a fighter. I spent the last 4 years, though, feeling like I was a failure. People said all the time “how could you think that way,” and “it’s not your fault,” and “karma is a B*&%$,” and so on.
Believe me, I heard every word - the karma statement will always be my favorite- BUT going through it, it’s still hard. It’s hard not to think about what you may have done to spur this, or what you could have said or done differently to have changed the outcome. It’s part of the process. And this was the kind of shit I had to go through to get me to this past year.
Seven months ago, life changed for me. I trusted my gut, and just went with it. It has been a wild ride, and one I would not change, because it was another part of my learning process. I had the strength to trust, open my heart, and know that falling in love is not out of the question again.
But, when is allowing these walls to come down too soon?
It’s a crazy question because, for a relationship (in my opinion) to work, you need to be naked. You need to be raw. You need to be completely, and 100%, vulnerable with one another. The walls need to be down in order to do the work. When the going gets rough, get fucking messy. Figure it out – one way or the other; for better or for “okay this is not going to work.” Believe me, I suck at some of these very things myself.
Recognize it, and just start doing the work if you believe in someone or something so strongly. What is in the past is in the past BUT don’t write the story about the future.
And, to me, I think that very statement is what I struggle with – writing the story for a future that has not even happened yet. It’s self-sabotage. It’s relationship-sabotage.
It’s not fair, it sucks, and it’s a selfish cop-out. This is where the feeling of guilt and failure take over too. “What could I have done better?” “Why doesn’t this ‘situation’ not merit being worked on?” “How could I have allowed myself to let my guard down? I just got HURT AGAIN.”
I am not perfect. No one is perfect. But I accept my faults and actions head on. Okay, I may try to defend here and there but I feel like that is normal. At the end of the day, I am vulnerable enough to say “I am sorry” and respectful enough of to listen with empathy when someone is sharing how they feel.
One of the very traditions that my family and I have the day before I go away is that we meet for brunch, dinner, or, in yesterday’s case, a day of shopping and martini’s with my Mom and Sister. We talk about what I am looking to gain while I am away, what are my hopes and dreams for the future, and how I intend to work on me.
As for my answer to the future, I am not sure what life will bring. That is the mystery & scariness of it all. I know what I want but I am also a believer in one day at a time; let things evolve the way they should. You can plan and be calculated all day long BUT, as we know, it doesn't always work out. Then what?
I think back to this time last year; I was coming home from 6 weeks in California, faced with an incredibly ill grandfather, the Holiday’s, an Engagement party for my Sister and her (now) Husband, wondering if making the move to California was where my heart was, etc.
Twelve months later, I sit on an airplane, hoping to find clarity, peace, and happiness in my next chapter – whatever, and with whomever, it will bring. I am by no means closing any doors but for as quickly as I put on the "fashionable" rose-colored glasses the, quicker, they came off.
It has been a wild year. And, while I fight back tears, I know that I will be okay. Whatever happens, happens; whatever is meant to be, it will be. I may be wounded right now but my heart and mind are still open to what I want and deserve.
And that may have to be for the next blog post…
Have a wonderful week! Omg, I cannot believe it is 1 ½ weeks until Turkey day! It might as well just be Christmas for all the decorations out and about now! :) Thank you for letting me get “heavy” today. Now, time for an episode of “Girlfriend’s Guide to Divorce!”
P.S. When traveling I have 4 musts – look FASHIONABLE, bring your own FOOD, drink lots of water, AND get the biggest coffee EVER when you have been up since 2:30 am! The only problem with this guy – the bottom leaked EVERYWHERE! I totally cursed myself when I said, “please don’t spill this in your new white pullover.” Ha!
P.S.S. Here is my fashionable athleisure wear that is trending in my closet! Yes, I know, the picture could be so much better! In my defense, it was 4:00 am...