October 16, 2019
And Wednesday, here we are again! #thankgoodness How are you? Living your best life? Looking at every day as a gift, and a new day to be that much more awesome? Imagine this - it has been a whirlwind over the last week and a half for me, and, finally, I feel like things are starting to settle back in. I mean, do they ever REALLY settle back in?
I chatted about this on social media a few days ago that last week was tough, and the weekend was tough from another realm. Do I feel that this has been the story of my life over the past however many years? Absolutely! Even the holistic doctor, Dr. Ariane Cometa, I am working with shared the following with me - "I am wondering if you are simply not sleeping well enough with the stress response your nervous system has been through in the last few years. That fight or flight response that was kicked in during the early years of separation, and compounded with mores stressors, probably has your adrenal glands tired as well. Not to mention, an under-active thyroid can make the adrenal tired."
Let me switch gears just a bit. Some words of wisdom to share - "Be true to you. Express how you feel, as you feel it. Don't let the fear of rejection discourage you. Remember who you are and what you want for that next chapter of your life. And just have a little freaking fun at the same time."
And I need to practice what I preach. Three things that I have a very hard time with - putting my needs first, the fear of rejection AND being vulnerable. Nothing new I am sharing, and nothing that is helping my health issues either. I tend to "hold it in," tackle whatever is thrown my way (on my own), only show emotion to myself because I don't want to look weak, etc. I, also, worry too much what people think, how they are feeling, what could I do better, what did I do, did I say something wrong, etc. Silly, I know, but that is how I seem to be programmed OR, honestly, has become a learned behavior. My life has been a mess over the past 5 years and, while I try to put on the facade as being "okay" (I will even tell you that), I don't feel truly "okay." It's the same thing as saying things are "normal" when what the fuck is "normal" anyway?
But, life is messy, and I get that. In the words of Michael Singer, author of "The Surrender Experiment," it's about "acceptance, acceptance, and more acceptance." Learn to trust, go with the flow, and let certain shit go.
Last week, my business partner and I had a long discussion about our company, 2 Health Nuts, as well as the "Janine Serio" and "2 Health nuts" brands. It was a "where we are with it, the future, what is the next step, do we just focus on "Janine Serio," etc." It's tough having these kinds of meetings. This year, while there has been growth in so many areas, there has been a HUGE financial backseat that has been taken. Yes, I get to do a LOT of things because of BOTH companies but, at the end of the day, they are not paying the bills, allowing me to save more than I already am, or propelling me towards that next step. And it all came to a breaking point, for me at least, last week.
The feelings of "I cannot keep doing this anymore," "I am passionate about what these companies bring to the table but so frustrated," "I am going to need to find another job/source of income while we continue to build," "what is going to give," and I am sure you can fill in the rest. I share all the time that, yes, getting pictures done on a weekly basis, and trying out the latest places for food and wine, is wonderful, but it is a LOT of hard work, time, and emotional energy that goes into it, for not a lot in return right now. It is the whole "pay to play" game, and going into a whole lot of debt in the process.
While money does not buy happiness, it does buy a sense of security; something I have not had, ever, personally or professionally. Okay, I take that back. Personally, I was secure in my childhood days growing up in such a tight-knit, loving family. Fast forward to today...while I am not looking to be a millionaire over night, I just want to be able to lay my head down at the end of the day and feel like I can breath.
Again, do I believe in ALL of this? Wholeheartedly! Do I know it is going to pay dividends in the long run? I really do! Do I want to lay my head down every night, not feeing anxious, nervous, and being unable to sleep because I am not sure when I will get my next paycheck? To say that would be AMAZING is an understatement!
Needless to say, I felt sad, beat up, and just drained by the end of the week, only to have the next set of emotions begin to take over. This included my sister, and her husband, coming into town for a long weekend. This, also, included some heart to heart discussions with my Mom about both my sister and I, where I am in my life, and how all of this brought her to tears.
It is no surprise when I say that my Mom and I are extremely close. I have mentioned before that not only are we "mother & daughter," but she is like a sister and BFF; BUT, at the end of the day, she is still my mother, and she, always, deserves that respect.
Last Thursday, I was in one of those places where I was just sad. It is that same song and dance I have about "I SHOULD be at a different place in my life;" "WHY did certain things happen to me when all I do is work my ass off and put everyone's else's needs before own?;" "Do I care too much?;" "Am I being foolish or naive about certain things?" and on, and on. Please know, I am not playing the victim here by any means.
My sister and I are close, but not as close as I think my parents would like us to be. Mind you, there is a 7 year age difference between us so, up until her college days, we were in different phases of our life. We are, also, both very different as well. I am the first born; I take the role of being the support system, the doer, the pleaser, the "wanting to make Mom & Dad proud," the "perfectionist," the "work your ass off for everything you have," etc. My sister, also, was going through one of the happiest times in her life - college lacrosse star, engagement, and Wedding - as I was going through one of the hardest times in mine.
And this put a huge strain on our relationship.
This is/was not to take away from her happiness - God knows that is not what I wanted - but, for anyone who has been in this situation, it is really hard. I mean, really hard.
Over the weekend, I immersed myself in my work. I kept myself busy. I stayed away. Granted, they were in town for a college roommate's Wedding, catching up with friends, attended the Ravens game, etc., so our paths did not cross that much. On Sunday night, though, my Mom sat down with me, tears in her eyes, wanting to figure out "why?" Mind you, in my quest for speaking the truth about how I felt prior to their arrival, that did not sit well with my Mom.
Why do I feel the way I feel?
If I was in a different place in my life - personally and professionally - would I feel different?
Why do I continue to feel a certain way about my sister when I know she is not going to change?
Why am I not focusing on, and surrounding myself with, the people and things that make me happy, instead of trying to be "good enough?"
And here-in lies the on-going struggle, and maybe the very reason why I am having a hard time with EVERYTHING. I am letting my own thoughts, and other's, dictate instead of me just "going with the flow and accepting" each relationship and situation as they come. Maybe, just maybe, as Michael Singer states, you need to look at life in a radically different way. What if you were surrounded by a life that has been built for you - not by you?
"Let go of the personal reactions of like and dislike that form inside your mind and heart."
"Look to see - with clarity - what is being asked of you by the relationships/situations unfolding in front of you."
What's interesting is that, as an influencer, I "influence" my audience on all things food, fashion, decor, travel, coffee, wine, and just overall lifestyle. Let's face it, superficial and material things. What would you be doing differently, though, given a said relationship or situation, if your reactions of "like" and "dislike" were not influencing you?
And this is where my blog post is going to wrap up. These are the very questions that I need to ask myself; questions that will provide me the strength to stop be "controlled," continue to trust & let the universe deal me the cards as it was meant to be.
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