September 24, 2018
Ugh, another rainy, cold, and damp day here in Baltimore! I hope wherever you are, you are reading this with SUNSHINE! At least I am breaking the "coffee talk" streak by having just finished lunch, water in hand, and not during happy hour! Ha! I case you are wondering what I mean, take a peek HERE and HERE!
As I mentioned last week, the company I co-own, 2 Health Nuts, flew the FABULOUS photographer I use in Los Angeles to Baltimore for the weekend to capture some corporate pictures for our upcoming website, as well as some "Fit4Janine" lifestyle photos too. As much as I LOVE getting my hair and makeup done - I would, seriously, have it done every day if I could afford - and getting dressed up, it is HARD WORK. FYI: A few sneak peek pics below!
Needless to say, I am physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted! And I think that is why I have felt the way I have felt all day yesterday and today! I am sure this shitty weather is not helping either. Full disclosure --> I cried myself to sleep last night. I could not tell you the last time I did this, and while it is cathartic to cry and let it all out, I have just felt sad. I even told my Mom today that the last time I felt like this is when I was in the throws of my divorce. That feeling of being helpless, trying to "be me," and do the right thing, but, in turn, all I feel is that it's never good enough. I am not good enough and, believe me, I know that is not the case!
After days, or weekends like this, I feel on such a high of all the possibilities and "what can be." I think, though, as things some to an end, and the high wears off, I start to reflect on the fact that I don't even feel close to that point. I feel like I am in a perpetual state of "WTF."
And it feels horrible!
To be completely honest, as of late, I feel like I suck as a daughter, sister, sister in law, girlfriend, friend, and even business partner/owner. My life feels like the "perfect storm" right now, even though it is a LOT different than it was last year, or even a few months ago. I feel like because things are not happening "right away," or why my personality is a certain way, and/or the way I handle things in my life the way I do, I become a "hard read" (btw, I really cannot stand that statement) to people, and I am needing to defend my every move and word.
When does keeping people guessing a bad thing? Again, this is just my perspective, and, if you have you not already guessed it, I am extremely hard on myself and hold my values & beliefs to very high standards and expectations.
Let's face it, that is not good for ANYONE!
And one thing that became very obvious to me this weekend --> I really cannot stand that I compare myself to other people; the exact thing that I preach AGAINST! Do you ever wonder why you do something that you KNOW is not "right?" For me, I wonder if it comes from a fear of being rejected AGAIN (I mean, being cheated on will do a number on you) or insecurity? Maybe both? I don't know like to think of myself as insecure but I struggle with it. Ick! Yes, I admit it!
As I reflect over the last 24 hours, I keep reminding myself that living a life that is #fit4janine (and a life that is #fit4you) means living a life EXACTLY who you are. No need to defend, explain, or compare yourself to anyone else. In the words of Byron Katie, "it's not your job to like me; it's mine." And as I wiped back tears while talking to my Mom, she reminded me of THIS --> I need to just sit back, be ME, do what I know how to do best, and let the chips fall the way they are supposed to fall.
And, when someone on the streets of Baltimore tells you that you "look like a mermaid," you smile, embrace it, thank them, and then say, ABSOLUTELY, this is who I will be channeling in my next life, or if this whole blogging "thing" does not work out! Ha!
Happy Monday! Cheers to another week!
Hair, Make-Up, & Photography: Violeta Meyners